The Official Save the Assistants Glossary of Bad Bosses
The Non-Spouse: He’s a workaholic. He just went through a divorce. He’s married to his job, and by default he’s also married to you. He tells you how to dress, expects you to pick up his dry cleaning, and asks you for dating tips when he “gets back into the game.” It usually isn’t til he calls your parents’ house on Thanksgiving wanting to know where you put his favorite fountain pen that you realize you’re a spouse instead of an employee.
FAMOUS EXAMPLE: Hugh Grant’s character in Two Weeks Notice (but not interesting or hot, or anybody you’d actually date)
The Frenemy: Initially, she tries to be best friends with you. She compliments your hair color and clothing. She wants to know all about your personal life and tells you all about hers in kind, usually over drinks – lots of drinks. One day though, just when you think you might be getting somewhere professionally, she does an about-face. You’re a threat and you must die. Unless they need you as a scapegoat for some kind of transgression – but that usually comes after you’ve been sacked.
FAMOUS EXAMPLE: Michael Douglas in Wall Street
The Boss’ Kid: You probably went to a better school than him. You definitely have a higher IQ than him. But because of his good luck at being born into the right family, he gets to sit in his fancy desk chair and tell you what to do. Like plan his golfing trip in California. Or put his family heirlooms up for auction on eBay. Whatever it is, you’re not learning anything, but you can’t piss him off for fear of never working in this town again.
FAMOUS EXAMPLE: Daniel Meade on “Ugly Betty” (except not cute or endearing)
The Overstresser: With this boss, you never know what’s really important, because she flips out about everything. She treats the grocery store not having her favorite coffee filters with the same amount of panic as a major client threatening to leave the company. Every day is a nonstop stress party when this boss is around, and you find her anxiety rubbing off on you to the point where you’re losing your hair.
FAMOUS EXAMPLE: Ari Gold on “Entourage,” who makes screaming a fine art.
The PTP (Past Their Prime): Working for this person will open tons of doors for you in the industry- if you’re sixty-five. This boss used to be a hotshot, but now he has no real projects to work on and gets stuck in a corner office because everyone at the company is too scared to force him to retire. Instead of getting hands-on experience in your field, you get to bring him coffee six times a day while he lectures you about how this business just doesn’t have integrity anymore.
FAMOUS EXAMPLE: Martin Landau as Bob Ryan on “Entourage”
The Functional Illiterate: Your boss is “really good” at his job. Unfortunately, he’s “so good” at his job that he’s managed to get by all this time without knowing how to turn on his computer. It becomes your job to baby him, whether that means spending the first fifteen minutes of every day teaching him how to check his voicemail again or having to write everything manually since he can’t use MS Word. And we won’t get started on how many times he sticks his ignorant foot in his ignorant mouth.
FAMOUS EXAMPLE: Ricky Gervais, Steve Carrell or Gary Cole from any of the “Office(Space)s”
The Drama Queen: Sure, you can handle answering her phone, managing her calendar, and organizing her files. But it’s never enough. Do you come in promptly at 8:59 every morning? You fucking slacker, come in by 8:30. Is that a very very tiny inkstain on your blouse? Way to make the company look bad. And by the way, I need that grande triple nonfat cappuccino with extra foam NOW.
FAMOUS EXAMPLE: Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada
The Ghostmaker: You’re the eighth assistant she’s had this year, so don’t feel bad when you’re assigned an email address like “janesassistant@company.com.” She ignores you at staff meetings, never says thank you, and has to be reminded of appointments multiple times because you’re such a nonentity to her that she never listens to anything you say. The upside: she can’t fire you if she doesn’t remember your name.
FAMOUS EXAMPLE: Mr. Burns on “The Simpsons”
The Idea Thief: In this coveted assistant position, you actually get to work on projects and come up with ideas. Don’t get attached to any of the ideas, though, since that contract you signed means every single thing you so much as imagine while at work becomes your boss’ property. If he’s a nice guy, will give you a nice fruit basket as thanks when he gets his $500,000 bonus.
FAMOUS EXAMPLE: Sigourney Weaver in Working Girl
The Micromanaging Jackass: This one is fairly self-explanatory. Did you put everything in alphabetical order? Well, you should have also color coded it. You can’t take lunch until they do, you’re shackled to the desk all day so clients don’t have to go to voicemail (especially when the second assistant is out sick), and they ask you to report on gossip among the assistants. Who was at the happy hour last night? How much did they drink? They might be reading your email, but you shudder to think it, especially because you’re so busy drawing a color-coded diagram of their brand-new camera because they can’t be bothered to read the instructions.
FAMOUS EXAMPLE: Bill Murray in Scrooged
The Cliche: He behaves inappropriately, soaks up company funds, treats you like a secretary and might even have a funny smell. He has some pretty neolithic ideas of women in the workplace, still thinks people power lunch and leaves suspicious white residue in the bathroom. Of course, The Cliche can also be a woman: her vision of feminism is still stuck in the ’80s, like her haircut and much of her wardrobe. Like her male counterpart, she also thinks people still power lunch and leaves suspicious white residue in the bathroom.
FAMOUS EXAMPLE: Dabney Coleman in 9 to 5
The Martyr: Nothing is ever her fault. Even when something bad happens to her as a direct result of something she did, she acts like she’s sacrificing herself to save other employees. Whether the company loses a huge client or the fax machine is broken again, she just sighs, puts her hand to her head, and starts humming the opening bars of “Nobody Knows the Troubles I’ve Seen.” She threatens to quit whenever she is “unjustly punished” or “cruelly reprimanded,” but everyone knows she’d rather mope around the office to get attention than leave and have people stop listening to her.
