We’re not positive whether Amy Winehouse has an assistant or not. The average person of her fame level would definitely have one, but recent behavior makes it seem like she doesn’t. For example, when she went out in the middle of the night in London wearing nothing but jeans and a red bra? If she was really “going out to get food,” that’s normally an assistant’s task. (And if she was really going out to get drugs, that’s usually an assistant task too. Trust us.) Plus, this week she was spotted at the US Embassy in London applying for a visa so she could perform at the Grammys. Arranging travel is another thing normally assigned to an assistant. Or it’s possible she needed a reason to sneak out of rehab.
Our guess? An extensive Google and Technorati search turned up nothing. And we suspect she would have preferred to spend an assistant’s salary on drugs. However, even if it’s conclusively proven she doesn’t have an assistant, we’re not quite ready to put her on our “Too Cool to Have An Assistant” list. We love her music (especially this song), but until she’s clean and sober for sure we’re keeping her on STA probation. Get better, Amy!
America’s most loved and hated show, American Idol premiered its seventh season last night with a series of the best and worst auditions from Philadelphia. The show loves to give airtime to wackos of all colors who show up hoping for their fifteen seconds of fame. One of last night’s most memorable ‘characters’ was a woman named Alexis Cohen, whose voice the judges deemed more appropriate for a Jefferson Airplane cover band than Idol (frankly, considering some of the shit they say about other rejects, she got off pretty easy). Alexis went off on a long, angry rant against the judges and ended up flipping the double bird to the camera.
However, our favorite reality TV site, Reality Blurred casts doubt on whether Alexis’ meltdown was real. Site manager Andy Dehnart notices that there’s a production assistant named Alexis Cohen on So You Think You Can Dance, which is produced by the same company that produces Idol. The names could just be a coincidence, but if there’s anything a good Idol fan likes, it’s a conspiracy theory.
Today, in the “people who don’t need assistants” category: Gossipmonger Perez Hilton, who spends most days “working” at an L.A. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf shop.
His assistant is his sister Barbara. Here’s our imagined list of what Barbara might do all day:
- Double-check all photos to make sure they have penises or misspelled words doodled on them
- Keep bathroom stocked with Manic Panic
- Hang up on any lawyer who might call regarding most recent copyright suit
- Maintain ongoing lists of who Perez is friends with this week
- Call publicists to inform them when Perez has bowel movements
- Bronze and polish Paris Hilton shrine
- Think of things to write on business card besides “Perez Hilton’s assistant”
We here at STA are just exhausted - EXHAUSTED - from all this crazy celebrity assistant news that’s been flying around. First La Lohan fires and chases down (allegedly) her second assistant, and now Britney Spears has fired her only assistant after about three weeks (hey, she lasted longer than most probably would). And this is within the same month that she fired her own cousin. Dios mio! We think it’s time that assistants put some serious thought into unionizing.
For more on the story, plus squigglies a la Perez (sorry), click here.
We decided to amuse ourselves by compiling a (semi)fictional list of tasks a Brit-Brit assistant might be asked to do:
- Clean up after dogs
- When Mama Spears calls tell her Britney’s not there (even though she totally is)
- Plant mean stories about K.Fed in Page Six
- When Page Six stops taking your calls, plant mean stories about K.Fed in In Touch
- Hire new publicist
- Fire new publicist
- Change Jayden’s diaper
- Hire new nanny
- Fire new nanny
- Promise Britney that her new single is going to be totally super awesome
- Call Justin Timberlake from your personal cell, since he hasn’t blocked that number yet
- Raid Rite-Aid’s bargain bin for new makeup
- Keep Cheetos pantry fully stocked
- Interview new potential assistants