Workplace harassment is no laughing matter. A current lawsuit going on in London absolutely made my blood boil:
Jordan Wimmer, a 29-year-old financier who earned more than $1 million (Cdn) last year, is in the midst of $7 million suit against Mark Lowe. Lowe, 59, is the principal at hedge fund Nomos Capital and a legend in London investment circles. He owns a castle in France and has a reported $200-million fortune.
Testifying in front of a London employment tribunal this week, Wimmer accused Lowe of peppering her with sexual innuendo, making her watch lap dances and forcing her to share office space with prostitutes he passed off as relatives.
Let’s read that last sentence one more time, shall we? Forcing her to share office space with prostitutes he passed off as relatives. OK, there are so many weird things about that sentence. First of all, why would the prostitutes need offices? If they were, uh, working as prostitutes then they probably would have needed bedrooms, not offices. If they were doing their work in the office, then did Ms. Wimmer have to watch them have sex? That is some fucked up shit right there.
Wimmer said the poisonous atmosphere ruined her health. She told the tribunal that she was speaking slowly because of medication she was taking for depression. She claims to suffer from bulimia and anxiety as a result of working at Nomos.
I don’t know either of these people personally and had never heard of them before reading this article. That said, I almost always believe an underling over a boss, because it’s much harder for an underling to get away with lying in a corporate environment. This is one lawsuit I will definitely be following.
Nerve.com has a regular feature called “Sex advice from…” Each time they ask different people, from Project Runway contestants to bloggers, for sex advice. This time, they asked temps. Because, as everyone knows, temps flit from office to office not because they get new assignments but because they’re actually traveling sex salespeople. You heard it here first. Some tips from the temps:
What temping skill can be applied in the bedroom?
Moving from situation to situation quickly.
Is sleeping with the boss okay when you’re a temp?
I’d like to see more temps getting laid at work. You’re in, you’re out. It’s convenient for everyone.
How can I get a temp into bed?
Be friendly. Be the first one to learn their name. Never refer to them as “the temp.”
What’s the best way to get a temp to go home with you?
Offer them medical insurance and go see their play.
Remember everyone - if you’re nice to temps, it can really pay off for you. Wink wink.
In yet another installment of Naked Picture Week here on STA, word comes from the UK that Labo(u)r party deputy leader Harriet Harman wants to push legislation that would ban people tacking up nude or seminude photos at work. I have to admit - maybe that’s common in the UK, but I have never seen anyone do that in the US. I mean, even stupid people know that having pictures of naked people up in your office is pretty much asking for a talking-to from somebody in HR. Maybe this is just another example of Americans being more prudish than Brits - who knows? Anyhow, Ms. Harman deems the act of putting up naked pictures (including calendars or pinups) to be tantamount to harrassment. What do you think? I went for a cheap shot with this photo, obviously.
In an awesome study released just in time for the weekend, researchers in Sweden have proven a correlation between people who have good (or at least regular) sex are happier, more motivated employees. Those of you who aren’t currently getting any don’t need to worry - healthy emotional relationships with friends and family members also make you happier at the office.
I’m sure there are more in-depth scientific reasons for why these things connect, but it seems obvious to me - happy people are happier employees. If having healthy emotional relationships make you a better worker, it’s probably because a) you have people you can vent to about work who then remind you it’s not your fault, and b) you have other things that give your life value and meaning and don’t have to rely on your boss to compliment you. And as for the good sex thing, well, anyone who’s ever had The Glow can pretty much attest to its general life benefits.
What this study doesn’t explicitly say - but gets at - is that not only are happy people better workers, companies should keep that in mind when they’re building offices and planning schedules. It seems so fucking obvious to me that if you create a corporate culture that encourages caring about employees’ emotional health, it pays off for you in the long run. Then again, I once worked for a company that considered morale a buzzword instead of a workplace concern and where you practically had to ask permission to go pee, so perhaps I’m biased on this one.
Remember when the economy first started to tank and all these big companies were getting bailouts? There was a fun buzzword - buyout sex - for employees of companies that were about to go under and figured protocol didn’t matter anymore. Now, there’s the more broad recession sex, which is when people have lost their jobs and are thus poor and have a lot of free time, so they start boning more often.
AdAge, of all places, has an article about this trend. The news hook for them is that sales of personal lubricants and “sexual enhancement devices” are way up.
“When the economy goes down, sex goes up,” said a Johnson & Johnson [who makes K&Y Jelly] spokesman by way of explanation, but he and the brand team declined to elaborate on why their products seem to be booming when the economy isn’t.
“These seem to be products people are actually gravitating toward in a recession,” Mr. Daniels said. “I’m not a psychologist, so I don’t know why that is. We are seeing people spending more time at home. We’re seeing people’s relationships being stressed. We’re seeing people looking for means to reconnect with their partner and invest in relationships. In some cases, people may have more time on their hands if they’re not working.”
Isn’t this the same reason why there’s always a mini baby boom nine months after a hurricane or blackout - people are stuck at home with no TV or internet and need something to keep them occupied? Regardless, if you can’t afford to go out and buy things, you might as well stay home and get it on.
How many times do I have to tell people not to bone their coworkers?
Sometimes it means you get fired and publicly embarrassed. Sometimes it means office politics are thrown out of whack and, when you stop boning, things at the office get mega-awkward. And sometimes, things like this happen: a pair of coworkers, Salvatore and Angelina, couldn’t contain their passion for each other at the clothing store where they worked in Bergamo, Italy. Consumed by lust, they got it on in the bathroom, only to get stuck when Angelina developed a leg cramp. They were eventually found and rescued - by Angelina’s husband, who (shockingly!) was pretty pissed about the whole situation.
Both Salvatore and Angelina were dumped by their respective spouses, and Salvatore got fired. Angie, however, got to keep her job after it was determined she’d finished her shift before they started doing the nasty. Got to love the Italians.
Anyway, the moral of this story? Don’t bone your coworkers. And if you really can’t resist, at least wait until you get home.
Porn star Penny Flame has just been announced as one of the cast members of the next season of VH1’s Celebrity Rehab, which will be about sex addiction. She may or may not be an addict, but she is definitely not lazy. On her blog, she details a day in the life at her job as the studio manager for a porn company called MetroBabes. It turns out that stuff that helps you be the best porn star you can be isn’t always helpful at the office. Here are a couple of tips for porn performers who just got day jobs:
- While super high platform shoes look great on your feet when you’re having sex on camera, you can’t actually walk to work in them without breaking an ankle. Time to invest in some cool-but-practical work kicks.
- If you have ever done any movies that took places in offices, hope you kept your wardrobe. Whatever’s not tear-away is now your work attire.
- Office chairs, even the fancy ones, are not that great for you to sit in for long stretches. Penny recommends sitting on a yoga ball, which will help you to have good posture. [Note: a massage therapist friend of mine gave me this exact advice last week.]
Continue reading ‘when a porn star goes to the office’
Lost your job? Got your hours cut? Either way, there’s a trend on the rise among the gainfully underemployed: recession booty. In other words, if you’re stuck at home all day, you might as well have some hot body to keep you company. And, if you’re bored and tired of reading the want ads and watching The People’s Court reruns, why not have sex with somebody in order to keep yourself occupied? I mean, hey, it’s a nice way to compensate for having to give up your gym membership.
Office Friendships
By Gavin Ewart
Eve is madly in love with Hugh
And Hugh is keen on Jim.
Charles is in love with very few
And few are in love with him.
Myra sits typing notes of love
With romantic pianist’s fingers.
Dick turns his eyes to the heavens above
Where Fran’s divine perfume lingers.
Nicky is rolling eyes and tits
And flaunting her wiggly walk
Everybody is thrilled to bits
By Clive’s suggestive talk.
Sex suppressed will go berserk,
But it keeps us all alive.
It’s a wonderful change from wives and work.
And it ends at half past five.
99 percent of the time I think having sex with a coworker is the worst idea ever. It’s sort of like why I wouldn’t recommend dating anyone who lives on the same floor as you in your college dorm. However, the “Modern Love” column in this weekend’s New York Times provides one of the rare instances when it’s probably OK: when you’re both about to accept buyouts and lose your jobs. After all, when you’re very close to not being coworkers anymore, that almost falls into normal one night stand territory, right?
Mary Pols writes about her own experience with “buyout sex,” when she and an attractive coworker went out for drinks to mourn the upcoming loss of their newspaper reporter jobs and wound up having sex. Sure, it was kind of weird and uncomfortable after that–but hey, everybody was packing up their desks anyway.
The full column is available here.