It’s pretty much expected that celebrity assistants have to do some weird stuff, like sourcing rare Egyptian candles or updating their boss’ drug dealer on the star’s whereabouts. But this task is one we haven’t heard of before. Jackass “star” Steve-O, who is currently in the hospital following what’s believed to be a psychiatric breakdown, recently sent out an email to his friends to let them know he was OK. However, psych patients aren’t allowed near computers. So that means Steve-O wrote the letter by hand and his assistant, Jen Moore, typed it up and sent it out. Some choice excerpts:
After four days in a psychiatric ward (a.k.a. “looney bin,” a.k.a. “cuckoo’s nest”) it has dawned on me that a great deal of what I produced, while on narcotics-induced “highs,” was a bunch of manic bulls–t that made little-to-no sense and, furthermore, was devastating to those who love me the most. At this point, I am no longer “5150-status” (which was the three-day “hold” on me, resulting from suicidal behavior). I am now “5250-status” (which means that the “hold” has been extended to 14 days, for the exact same reasons). I’m not getting out of this “insane asylum” any time in the immediate future, so, I’m going to learn as much from the experience as possible. So far, I’ve figured out that I did a great deal of damage to my brain by abusing drugs and, now that they’ve all worn off, I’m facing the consequences.
We may not think you need an assistant, Steve-O, but we do think you need help, and we’re very glad you’re getting it. Jen, could you pass that message along for us?
Kelly Clarkson, Perez Hilton, and others who have their siblings as their PAs can now add Heather Mills to their ranks. Fiona Mills (no word on whether she’s the older or younger sister) apparently handles all her sister’s bookings and personal business, to which we say…exactly what business is that? I mean, now that she’s not on Dancing with the Stars anymore, what exactly is her job?
I hope that T-shirt is dedicated to Fiona.
If you don’t spend as much time reading TMZ as we do, you may not know who Bobby Trendy is. He’s a supergay interior designer whose only real ‘fame’ comes from the time he spent as a hangeron to Anna Nicole Smith and getting some face time on her E! reality show. However, his dubious level of fame seems to make him worthy of having an assistant. Bobby actually held auditions in L.A. so he could find himself a PA. We’re not sure if we should be glad that only six people bothered to show…or horrified that six entire people cared enough to show.
Watch this video and judge for yourself. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Just a few months ago, Hugh Hefner’s #1 girlfriend and Girls Next Door star Holly Madison got a “job” as a junior photo editor at Playboy. I figured the job was something to placate her with so she’ll stop begging Hef to have a baby with her. Now, not only is she being indulged with her fake job, she’s getting a fake assistant. The assistant, whose name we didn’t have time to catch in the two seconds she was onscreen, is a blonde Playmate who seems to have nothing to do beyond fetching packages and running errands for Holly. If anything, she’s just another shiny toy to distract Holly and make her feel like she has a real job besides sleeping with an old man and golddigging.
[Holly--in a photo she "edited"?]
Today, in the “people who don’t need assistants” category: Gossipmonger Perez Hilton, who spends most days “working” at an L.A. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf shop.
His assistant is his sister Barbara. Here’s our imagined list of what Barbara might do all day:
- Double-check all photos to make sure they have penises or misspelled words doodled on them
- Keep bathroom stocked with Manic Panic
- Hang up on any lawyer who might call regarding most recent copyright suit
- Maintain ongoing lists of who Perez is friends with this week
- Call publicists to inform them when Perez has bowel movements
- Bronze and polish Paris Hilton shrine
- Think of things to write on business card besides “Perez Hilton’s assistant”
If there’s anything we hate, it’s talentless kids of famous people being famous by association. And if there’s anything we hate more than that, it’s talentless kids of famous people somehow being rewarded and making money for doing nothing.
Enter Brody Jenner.
This week’s In Touch magazine (no, it’s the badly-designed one next to Us Weekly…no, not Life and Style, the other one…) runs what essentially amounts to a press release about Brody working on a line of jewelry. Because what exactly does Brody Jenner know about jewelry, anyway? Did he look at a candy bracelet in a vending machine and think “oh, dude, I could totally make that.”
And in case you were wondering how business-savvy any friend of Spencer Pratt’s could be, wait no longer. Brody admits that he “needs someone to help him with his computer.” Hear that, everyone? Brody needs an assistant! Why aren’t you flying to L.A. right this second?
The forum posters on Television Without Pity refer to redheaded, ‘roided up former child star Danny Bonaduce as “Danny Bonadouchey,” and they have good reason to do so. When Danny’s not whining about how hard it is to be famous, he’s treating ex-wife Gretchen like garbage and going on yet another drug-and-alcohol binge. Bonadouchey is now looking for an assistant. The entire hilarious TMZ post is below:
America’s favorite redheaded train wreck — no, not Carrot Top, but Danny Bonaduce– is looking for a new assistant to keep him in line! Apparently, his last girl Friday, a 25-year-old teacher who Danny happened to be dating, had a “family emergency” and had to leave her, ahem, prominent position with the former Partridge.
Danny is looking for a female helper. “She does not have to be attractive, beautiful or sexually stimulating in any way. She does, however, have to be capable of playing a drunken woman.” Danny’s new sidekick will be part of his stage act — walking on stage and giving him a hard time. And get this — Gretchen, Danny’s ex wife, is willing to teach the new girl how to play the role!
So if you’re a female, ugly or pretty, young or old, and have experience as a drunk — your dream job is waiting!
You hear that, everyone? Jobs worse than yours do exist!
Oh, Andy Dick. We loved you on NewsRadio, but since then you’ve made a career out of being a drunken, high, annoying, quarrelsome gadfly. You couldn’t even get booked on more than one episode of The Surreal Life (which ought to be a giant red flag) so instead you made your own reality show. The Assistant follows Andy’s attempt to get…obviously…an assistant. Do you have 7 minutes and 44 seconds to kill? Do you have an empty void in your soul?
If so, watch the first part of the first episode of The Assistant. And perhaps you’ll feel better about your life.
