Jenni Muro, Lindsay Lohan’s long-suffering assistant/manager (who reportedly finally quit this year) has been through a lot: she was there the night that Lindsay’s second assistant quit and LiLo went on a high-speed pursuit, and she once saved her boss from drowning in an overflowing bathtub. Really, the woman should be getting combat pay.
Now, though, another member of the Lohan family is making Jenni’s life miserable - Lindsay’s famewhore dad, Michael. Michael, who claims to want to help his drug-addled daughter but is happy to collect money from tabloid programs in the meantime, released a voicemail that Jenni left him. In the message, Jenni says, “I get a 5% commission on this entire TV show and it’s sick and disgusting and I’m here and I give up my boyfriend and my dog and my parents and my new place in LA and everything so that your daughter doesn’t kill herself, ok?”
Labor Pains, the straight-to-TV movie that was once heralded as Lindsay Lohan’s big comeback, will be airing on ABC Family, the same network responsible for Secret Life of the American Teenager. I think they’re trying to give Lifetime a run for their “young pregnant chicks” entertainment stronghold.
In the movie, LiLo plays a beleaguered assistant whose boss (Chris Parnell) hates her and wants to fire her, when suddenly she comes up with the ‘brilliant’ idea to fake a pregnancy in order to keep her job. (Hmmm…who else gets knocked up to ensure job security?) The movie also features ex-assistant Cheryl Hines as a concerned coworker.
If anyone ever needed a career makeover, Lindsay Lohan would be a pretty good candidate. Despite her protestations that she’s an actress, these days she’s mostly known for her super-thinness, her alleged drug and alcohol abuse, and her back and forth relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson. The New York Daily News asked several PR experts (including my friend Joe Ciarallo) what advice they’d give LiLo if she were their client. Below, I translate their tips into stuff that could also work for you:
Develop self-discipline. Lindsay needs to throw herself into her acting and be taken seriously again. You can do the same thing by diving headfirst into your work - you’ll only have good accomplishments to show for it. Remember that your actual job performance comes first and all other work stuff (office politics and the like) should be second.
Network well. In this case, it’s not just about going to events and meeting people - it’s about meeting the right people. It is fun to go to parties all weekend and get free drinks, but the thing that will help you most in the long run is actually meeting people in your industry who are potentially good contacts to have if you’re looking for a new gig.
Lindsay Lohan, assistants, and cars are a pretty bad combination. First, Lindsay got a DUI when she was in her car trying to chase down former assistant Tarin when she quit suddently - that incident brought us a whole wave of joyous things, including Lindsay’s mugshot and claiming that she was wearing someone else’s coke-in-the-pockets jeans. Now, Lindsay’s assistant (she wasn’t named in the article, but I assume it’s longsuffering PA Jenni Muro, who reportedly once rescued her boss from drowning in a bathtub) has apparently ran LiLo’s brand new Maserati into a parked car. The car, which Lindsay bought after finally getting her driver’s license back, cost $100,000. Repairing that will probably cost more than Jenni makes in a year.
Hollywood’s most open secret is the relationship between actress Lindsay Lohan and DJ/sibling to major hottie Mark Samantha Ronson. Now, coming from the South, I have heard a lot of euphemisms for a homosexual partner: “roommate,” “best friend,” “business partner,” but never “personal assistant.” However, Defamer Australia recently referred to Samantha as “Lindsay Lohan’s personal assistant/roommate/rough sex partner.” I have never seen either woman refer to Samantha as a PA. In fact, it’s pretty widely known that Lindsay has a longtime PA, Jenni Muro, who once saved LiLo’s life.
I’m not totally clear on whether Defamer’s just making a joke about the fact that Lindsay and Samantha have never publicly defined their relationship, or if LiLo really did once claim that her girlfriend was her assistant. Bottom line, they’re two crazy kids in love.
What would an STA week be if we didn’t end with some kind of Lindsay or Naomi-related post?
Page Six reports that Lindsay Lohan will be starring in Labor Pains, a movie about a girl who pretends to be pregnant so she won’t get fired from her job. While there’s no release date announced yet, we think Lindsay is wise to use office humor to her advantage. I mean…it worked for us.
Word on the street is that perennial assistant-abuser Lindsay Lohan will be appearing on Ugly Betty. Will she be on in the same episode as Naomi Campbell?
Dina Lohan, who lied about being a Rockette and is only famous for being Lindsay Lohan’s enabler–I mean, mother, was spotted bitching out her assistant at baggage claim at New York’s JFK airport. TMZ reports:
TMZ spies caught Lindsay’s mommie dearest going ballistic on her assistant at JFK baggage claim last week. Our source tells us Dina — who was flying back from LAX with her middle-aged teen daughter Ali — was screaming at the assistant for forgetting her bag and yelled, “You must have left your brain on the flight. You’re my assistant and that’s my bag. You should know this!” It’s safe to say you won’t be seeing that on “White Oprah’s” reality show.
The real question here, folks, is not “why is Dina Lohan such a miserable excuse for a human being?” but “why does Dina Lohan have an assistant?” Did Lindsay’s assistant-relatedexperiences teach her nothing?
You can count on Lindsay Lohan for one thing: the girl is never boring. Whether she’s getting busted for drugs, feuding with her dad, or making out with random Italian dudes, she’s always great tabloid fodder without the shameful/sad factor Britney has. Now, Lindsay’s ex-boyfriend, snowboarder Riley Giles (who she met in rehab) is making a quick buck by selling stories about her and naked photos of her to various tabloids. Here’s our favorite story (because it’s about an assistant, of course!), from the UK’s News of the World.
Riley is convinced Lindsay is determined to stay off drugs. And he revealed how she confessed she is haunted by a horrifying near-death experience.
He said: “She was in a London hotel and had been out partying all night and taking drugs. Back in her room she downed a load of Xanax anti-depressants and alcohol to mellow her out. She started running a bath, climbed in and before she knew it she’d passed out.
“As the bath overflowed she was totally unconscious and it was only because her assistant ran in and saved her that she didn’t drown. Lindsay said that was a terrifying wake-up call and showed her just how close she was to losing her life through drugs.”
See, celebrities? Your assistants are worth their weight in gold.
We here at STA are just exhausted - EXHAUSTED - from all this crazy celebrity assistant news that’s been flying around. First La Lohan fires and chases down (allegedly) her second assistant, and now Britney Spears has fired her only assistant after about three weeks (hey, she lasted longer than most probably would). And this is within the same month that she fired her own cousin. Dios mio! We think it’s time that assistants put some serious thought into unionizing.
For more on the story, plus squigglies a la Perez (sorry), click here.
We decided to amuse ourselves by compiling a (semi)fictional list of tasks a Brit-Brit assistant might be asked to do:
Clean up after dogs
When Mama Spears calls tell her Britney’s not there (even though she totally is)
Plant mean stories about K.Fed in Page Six
When Page Six stops taking your calls, plant mean stories about K.Fed in In Touch
Hire new publicist
Fire new publicist
Change Jayden’s diaper
Hire new nanny
Fire new nanny
Promise Britney that her new single is going to be totally super awesome
Call Justin Timberlake from your personal cell, since he hasn’t blocked that number yet
Jenni Muro, Lindsay Lohan’s long-suffering assistant/manager (who reportedly finally quit this year) has been through a lot: she was there the night that Lindsay’s second assistant quit and LiLo went on a high-speed pursuit, and she once saved her boss from drowning in an overflowing bathtub. Really, the woman should be getting combat pay.
If anyone ever needed a career makeover, Lindsay Lohan would be a pretty good candidate. Despite her protestations that she’s an actress, these days she’s mostly known for her super-thinness, her alleged drug and alcohol abuse, and her back and forth relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson. 
