Forget Naomi Campbell – Charlie Sheen may be the absolute worst celebrity to assist. Radar Online reports that Charlie’s assistant has been doing damage control for all of our friend Carlos Estevez’s recent exploits. Here, a porn star named Elizabeth Ann (real name: Lindsay Wager) says that after she had sex with Charlie, his assistant Rick Calamaro brought over the morning-after pill. Calamaro also reportedly picked up drugs for his junkie boss, since Charlie is paranoid that he’ll get arrested – or, more likely, photographed by the paparazzi – while scoring crack. Whatever he’s paying you, Rick, it’s not enough.
Tag Archive for 'Horror Stories'
Charlie Sheen’s Assistant Horror Story
Published on March 4, 2011 in Celebrity Assistant Soapbox. 0 Comments Tags: celebrity assistants, Charlie Sheen, Drugs, Horror Stories, Rick Calamaro.
Horror Story: Love’s Blind, Work’s Not
Published on February 8, 2011 in Horror Stories. 0 Comments Tags: email, getting fired, Horror Stories, job ads, job applications, resumes.
This month’s Cosmo has a great work horror story:
I really hated my last job. They treated me like crap, and I was so fed up that I actually searched for openings while at work. One day, I saw a posting that looked promising. It had an anonymous email address to send a resume to, and I didn’t think twice about applying. An hour later, I was fired on the spot. Turns out, I had applied to my current employer, and since it was anonymous, I had no clue. They asked me to leave the office immediately.
See, people, this is why I hate anonymous job postings. I always assume they’re traps.
What New York City socialite – who is more known for her maybe-ex husband than anything else – once rejected two town cars for “not smelling good” until she finally settled on the third one her assistant called?
As a career admin, I’ve had different types of gifts…the personal (gorgeous pearls from a boss’ trip to Hong Kong) and the impersonal (company logo swag). But one year, I received a gift that was both, and the result was pure, unadulterated insult.
The year was 2003. I had undergone weight loss surgery in the spring and within a month of returning to work, my executive boss (in a 20-person department of a VERY large financial firm that is still in existence) took me out to lunch. We had always had a good line of communication so he was aware of the restrictions, rules, etc. of my new lifestyle.
That Christmas, the boss decided to give everyone in the department the same gift, even his assistant (that would be me). I was a little surprised as we worked very closely together but shrugged it off as “not playing favorites.” The gift? A box of Godiva milk chocolate cigars. Not a dozen…THREE cigars. (Did I mention he was an executive vice president at a financial firm?)
Knowing my dietary restrictions, you would think he would have perhaps come up with a slightly different gift for me (even sugar-free chocolates would have been better). Nope. But before anyone thinks I’m ungrateful…the kicker was the card that came with my trio of “treats”:
“I know these aren’t a part of your new diet, but if I ever want one, I’ll know where to find them.”
It was the one time chocolate left a REALLY bad taste in my mouth.
- Submitted by Aliza, New York
A Vibrator Is Not an OK Employee Gift
Published on February 2, 2011 in Horror Stories. 0 Comments Tags: Horror Stories, lawsuits, sex, sex toys.
What is it with assistants and sex toys lately? First Melissa Etheridge has her assistant deliver a box of dildos, and now a boss in Queens is being sued for giving an employee a vibrator for her birthday.
Astoria-based insurance broker Ibrahim Mansi tries to take care of his employees, and when one of his favorite subordinates, Silvia Olveira, celebrated her 33rd birthday in October 2009, he wanted give her the gift of unparalleled pleasure. But everything went terribly wrong as soon as Olveira opened up the present Mansi had put so much thought and effort into selecting. “When I opened it, I saw this thing,” Olveira tells the Post. “I was like, what is this?” That “this” was a vibrating dildo. And unbeknownst to Mansi, this sort of gift is frowned upon in today’s modern workplace.”I didn’t know what to do in that moment,” says Olveira. “I went outside and took the bag and threw it in the garbage. I called him and said, ‘Don’t do that anymore.’” Trying to salvage the awkward situation, Mansi explained that he usually gets a cake for his employees, but he thought Olveira had earned special treatment. Olveira recalls him saying, “Come on, girl. You don’t know how to enjoy your life.” And when Mansi asked what became of his gift, Olveira tactlessly told him, “I threw it in the garbage.” Couldn’t she have at least re-gifted it?
I have a hunch she’s going to win this lawsuit. Could her boss be any more of a cliche? He’s like a mustache-twirling Captain Evil cliche of a bad boss. It’s like a rejected script for The Office or something.
Horror Story: Thrift Card
Published on February 1, 2011 in Horror Stories and Saved. 0 Comments Tags: gifts, Horror Stories, quitting, Saved.
I work in book publishing, and have been assistant to the VP of Marketing for almost four years. I have never once in those four years received a “thank you” gift of any kind. No birthday cards, Christmas gifts, end of the year bonuses, nothing. On my first day at the job my boss made it very clear that “we don’t do that here.” So fine. I’m not greedy. Those are perks. I can live without.
My boss is a woman who met my parents and teared up telling them how great I am and how much she appreciates me. When I told her I was quitting for another job, she cried again, telling me she’ll miss me and how my intelligence and work ethic and personality made her job so much easier and more enjoyable. Today, on my last day as her assistant, I walked into my office to find a card on my desk. Inside the simple greeting card was a Pottery Barn gift card. A very scratched Pottery Barn gift card. My first thought was that she re-gifted this thing. I went into her office to say thank you, and she responded with this:
“There’s a caveat with that gift card. Whenever I’m out shopping at various stores, I pick up gift cards so I always have something on hand in case I forget someone’s birthday or a wedding or something. ‘Oh, it’s Mary’s birthday!’ and I have a box of gift cards to pull from. But it occurred to me that after awhile, maybe they expire? Or start having deductions taken because they’re old? Anyway, if it doesn’t work, just let me know.”
I might do a little dance on my way out tonight.
- Submitted by Sharon, New York
I have a story regarding my VP, Chief Marketing Officer boss. When she first started, I was really excited that we were finally bringing on someone permanent for this role. My company originally brought me on telling me their intentions were to eventually put me into marketing, but we never had a permanent VP of Marketing for someone to have the power to transfer my position. After bringing on my new boss she had also told me the same thing, we like your experience and want to eventually put you into marketing. Believing and hanging on to every word they said, I believed them.
Well, it’s been six months now and I am still at the same position. My boss, who I originally thought was this amazingly skilled Marketing person, has now turned into yet another lost sheep at our company. She has become increasingly odd as each day comes and her requests are even odder. She once called me after she left for the day (because I always arrive before and leave after her) to look for her toothbrush and lipstick that she may have left somewhere in the building. After looking around our two story building for an hour I just gave up. They ended up being in her purse with everything else she loses.
But a great story is what happened last Friday. Now, keep in mind every one in our marketing department finds our boss completely inadequate to fulfill her duties as a VP and have no idea how she got so far in life. They all have also noticed her increasingly odd behavior. She creepily stares at you for an awkwardly long period of time. She is in her 60s, but thinks she’s 20 when she tries to give us high-fives and fist bumps. She cannot for the life of her remember anything you tell her. She can only do one task at a time. I could go on forever on her odd behavior, but I will get back to the story.
Horror Story: No Means No
Published on November 15, 2010 in Horror Stories. 1 Comment Tags: email, etiquette, Horror Stories, job interviews.
Once upon a time, there was a girl we’ll call Jodi. Jodi interviewed for a job at Company A and one at Company B. Luckily, she got offered both positions. She accepted Company B’s offer and then emailed Company A to let them know. Here’s Jodi’s email:
Dear [Male Exec] and [Female Exec],
Thank you again for the opportunity for the position at [Company A].
However, another opportunity has come along for me within my field of
study, and I have decided to accept it. Thank you again.
Sincerely,
[Jodi]
And here’s the response she got:
[Jodi],
I am literally speechless! This is totally unprofessional and
demonstrates a lack of personal integrity.
Disappointed and disgusted,
[Male Exec]
Um, what exactly is wrong with Jodi’s email? She was professional and polite. Sometimes people interview for more than one job, male exec. Get over yourself.
Flight Attendants Are Kind of Like Assistants
Published on October 27, 2010 in Horror Stories. 0 Comments Tags: flight attendants, Horror Stories, traveling.
Inspired by the story of Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant who bailed out of the plane on a security chute when he just couldn’t handle his job anymore, Reader’s Digest has some anonymous horror stories from flight attendants who have also had to deal with rude passengers. What I learned from reading the article? Being a flight attendant is a lot like being an assistant, except in a long metal tube with minimal chances to escape. Here are a couple of examples:
Passengers are always coming up to me and tattling on each other. ‘Can you tell him to put his seat up?’ ‘She won’t share the armrest.’ What am I, a preschool teacher?
Just in case you hadn’t noticed, there are other people on the airplane besides you. So don’t clip your toenails, snore with wild abandon, or do any type of personal business under a blanket!
Want to start off on the wrong foot with me? Put your carry-on in a full overhead bin, leave it sticking out six inches, then take your seat at the window and wait for someone else (me!) to come along and solve the physics problem you just created.
Steven Adler and the Worst Assistant Ever
Published on October 4, 2010 in Celebrity Assistant Soapbox. 0 Comments Tags: assistant screwups, books, celebrity assistants, Horror Stories, Steven Adler.
Sometimes, assistants fuck up. They get a coffee order wrong or file papers out of order. But nothing comes close to this story about the assistant of Guns N Roses drummer Steven Adler:
Cops had come pounding on the door. They had obtained a warrant and searched my house. When I asked why, I was horrified by the explanation. My ex-assistant, Rocko the pervert. This terminal whack job, who had tried to videotape unsuspecting people in my bathroom through a hole in the celing, had just been arrested for suspicion of murder. What the fuck? Apparently, he was kidnapping girls, drugging them, and then videotaping the unconscious victims in various positions and sex acts. They raided his home and found dozens of videotapes containg the graphic rape footage. They also found pictures of my ex-girl Analise and my mom Deanna. Rocko had been spying on us and taking pictures the whole time he had been staying with me.
Um, dude? Not cool. Check the assistant handbook – this isn’t in there.
