There are many ways to tell someone that your relationship is over. Some people break up in person. Kelsey Grammer told his wife Camille to stay in a hotel when she flew out to attend the Tonys with him. And, in the case of Tammy Lynn Michaels and Melissa Etheridge, the sex toy delivery was the tip-off. Tammy Lynn says that she knew something was up in their marriage when Melissa’s assistant delivered a box of dildos to her house by accident. She wrote (although that’s using the word loosely):
three weeks later a box of new toys
was delivered and her assistant brought
it to my rental house as a mistake
i opened it
and that’s when i felt something was up
i called her
“i have your new dicks on my kitchen counter?”
one thing by one thing
i slowly felt things were not
as
they were being represented
If E.E. Cummings had written about getting dumped via a sex toy delivery error, that is probably exactly what he would have written.
Radaronline seems to think so. They have photos of newly-single Christina Aguilera out with a guy identified as Matthew Rutler, a set assistant who worked on her movie Burlesque. The pair reportedly went out on a double date in L.A. with Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. If they really are a couple and not just a tabloid invention, I hope Matthew doesn’t sell Christina out in a paid interview a la Amy Winehouse and Alex Haines.
… well, not really. But it seems so realistic! After all, considering we’re talking about a woman who has an army of assistants and made one of them plan her wedding here, the fetus will probably have its own legion of nannies. Hello Kitty shaped ones, perhaps.
Anne Hathaway is on the cover of November’s Vogue, proving once again that you can star in The Devil Wears Prada and somehow get Anna Wintour not to hate you. In the interview, Anne says that she wants to do more than just act – her goals include finishing college, starting a band, and being Tilda Swinton’s assistant. Um, it’s cool that you like Tilda Swinton, because she is awesome, but since you’re famous already you could probably just be her friend and not have to manage her schedule.
Perhaps this is a new trend: is the vanity assistantship the new vanity internship? Way to one-up Kanye, Anne.
Sometimes, assistants fuck up. They get a coffee order wrong or file papers out of order. But nothing comes close to this story about the assistant of Guns N Roses drummer Steven Adler:
Cops had come pounding on the door. They had obtained a warrant and searched my house. When I asked why, I was horrified by the explanation. My ex-assistant, Rocko the pervert. This terminal whack job, who had tried to videotape unsuspecting people in my bathroom through a hole in the celing, had just been arrested for suspicion of murder. What the fuck? Apparently, he was kidnapping girls, drugging them, and then videotaping the unconscious victims in various positions and sex acts. They raided his home and found dozens of videotapes containg the graphic rape footage. They also found pictures of my ex-girl Analise and my mom Deanna. Rocko had been spying on us and taking pictures the whole time he had been staying with me.
Um, dude? Not cool. Check the assistant handbook – this isn’t in there.
What happens after you work for a celebrity? As this site knows, there are any number of possible outcomes – you could end up like Marc Cherry, taking your assistant contacts and running with them until you become the boss, or you could be Alli Sims and spend the rest of your life attempting to grasp fame via your tenuous connection with a star. Rick Stanley, though, chose an entirely different path. The stepbrother and former personal assistant/bodyguard of Elvis Presley, Stanley battled drug and alcohol addiction and eventually found religion. Now he’s an evangelical preacher who travels the country telling his story. Also, he has a website. And, as you’ll see at right, a book.
Fashion Week just wrapped up here in New York. Some shows, like Rodarte, got great reviews. And some shows, like Zac Posen, did not. But lest you think the person who designed the clothes had anything to do with the show’s negative reviews, you should remember that it is always the assistant’s fault. According to Page Six:
Insiders say Posen’s executive assistant, who also managed the designer’s p.r. for the past few months, quit a week before the show. Then his casting director walked out three days beforehand. Insiders described Posen’s show as “disorganized,” with some VIPs, including Claire Danes and Kristin Cavallari, not having seat assignments.
Beth Ditto, lead singer of The Gossip and fashion icon, left her longtime partner and is now dating her assistant, Kristen. The out and proud lesbian told British Marie Claire that she and Kristen are so serious they’ve even talked about having a baby. Though Beth’s 29, she’s already planning ahead, and said she’d like to get pregnant when she’s 37. Obviously, my brain went here:
OK, I couldn’t make this story up if I tried: a Venezuela-born, Mexico-based telenovela star named Gabriela Spanic hired a woman, Marcia Celeste Fernandez Babio, whose job was to spy on Spanic’s estranged sister. When the twin sister caught on, Spanic hired Babio to be her full time live-in personal assistant. Fast forward a couple of months, and every single member of Spanic’s household started to get sick – except for Babio. Turns out that Babio was gradually poisoning the entire family with small amounts of ammonium sulphate (an ingredient in rat poison!). Luckily, they figured out something was up and nobody died, but that is some fucked up shit. I mean, why don’t we just add some kids who were switched at birth and a cloning subplot while we’re at it?
While working on what would become their blockbuster album The Joshua Tree, U2 suffered a personal tragedy. Bono’s assistant Greg Carroll was killed while riding a motorcycle he was due to deliver to his boss. Carroll was a native of New Zealand. Bono penned the song “One Tree Hill,” the ninth track on the album, about Carroll and dedicated the album to him. Now, U2 is planning a huge stage show near that famous landmark. The show will take place on November 25th. Here’s the lovely song, in case you’re not familiar with it.
