Another day, another new assistant to Britney Spears. This one is apparently named Tina and already looks beleaguered. No word on whether she’s the assistant Brit may or may not have accidentally left behind at a gas station last week after stealing a lighter.
Anyone care to indulge in some friendly betting as to how long Tina might last, or whether she’ll ultimately be able to “pacify” her mercurial boss? (Sorry, that joke was terrible, but we couldn’t resist when we saw that photo. We’ll see ourselves out now.)
Motley Crue singer Vince Neil, who has had his own battles with addiction and bloatedness, has advice for troubled popstar Britney Spears:
“Stay home! It’s like my god! That’s all I can say is stay home, just stay home, that’s it! You have assistants and stuff, send your assistant to Starbucks or Ben and Jerry’s, Taco Bell, wherever.”
We never thought we’d say this, but…Vince kind of has a point.
We can never get enough news about Britney Spears’ assembly line of assistants. Apparently after the dismal failures that were Shannon Funk and “Cousin” Alli, Brit has decide to get a similarly-monikered male assistant, Bret.
Us Weekly reports that Brit ‘n Bret were shopping at Neiman Marcus in Los Angeles earlier this week. She was apparently overheard trashing the judge in her recent child custody hearing, but there’s also compelling evidence that Brit is one or two degrees away from being a Naomi Campbell-level assistant abuser:
First the pop star commandeered a dressing room (generally reserved for the disabled) to try on a slew of Juicy Couture dresses.
Then, after belting out Rihanna’s “Umbrella,” Spears told her assistant Bret she wanted her dog London. Learning the Yorkie was in Malibu, 27 miles away, she said, “F-k that. That will take us an hour to drive there. Can’t we have the dog messengered over?”
Um, yeah. That’s all we have to say about that.
You know that “death is not an option” game where you say the names of two really gross people, and you have to say which one you’d sleep with? And death is not an option, even if they’re Carrot Top and Danny Bonaduce? We have our own version to play today.
Death is not an option: who would you rather assist?
Option A: Britney Spears
Or Option B: Kevin Federline
Let’s hear your comments in the Comments. And then you can go take a nice long shower.
First cousin Alli Sims worked for Britney and quit to start her own ’singing’ career. Then Shannon Funk got photographed joining Brit in her underwear to take a dip in the Pacific before selling her story to OK! magazine.
Both of them seem to want to join the Paris Hilton School of Being Famous For Nothing, so it seems logical the two of them would get together. TMZ spied Alli and Shannon hanging out together in Las Vegas for VMA week. Check the article out here.
Earlier this week, we talked about how Britney Spears’ cousin/ex-assistant Alli Sims has been subpoenaed to testify about Brit’s behavior in K.Fed’s custody suit. Well, it looks like he’s getting as many witnesses he can get. In addition to a former bodyguard, K.Fed’s lawyer has subpoenaed ex-Brit assistant Shannon Funk, who only worked for the newly-bald pop star for about three weeks. Shannon was a little bit harder to track down… because she was in New York, selling her story to OK! magazine. In case you forgot, OK! is the one that touted exclusive pictures of Brit’s meltdown while doing a photo shoot for them, only to not show anything interesting.
Who knew being an assistant could have such a rich payoff? All it costs is three weeks of your life than you can never get back.
We here at STA are just exhausted – EXHAUSTED – from all this crazy celebrity assistant news that’s been flying around. First La Lohan fires and chases down (allegedly) her second assistant, and now Britney Spears has fired her only assistant after about three weeks (hey, she lasted longer than most probably would). And this is within the same month that she fired her own cousin. Dios mio! We think it’s time that assistants put some serious thought into unionizing.
For more on the story, plus squigglies a la Perez (sorry), click here.
We decided to amuse ourselves by compiling a (semi)fictional list of tasks a Brit-Brit assistant might be asked to do:
- Clean up after dogs
- When Mama Spears calls tell her Britney’s not there (even though she totally is)
- Plant mean stories about K.Fed in Page Six
- When Page Six stops taking your calls, plant mean stories about K.Fed in In Touch
- Hire new publicist
- Fire new publicist
- Change Jayden’s diaper
- Hire new nanny
- Fire new nanny
- Promise Britney that her new single is going to be totally super awesome
- Call Justin Timberlake from your personal cell, since he hasn’t blocked that number yet
- Raid Rite-Aid’s bargain bin for new makeup
- Keep Cheetos pantry fully stocked
- Interview new potential assistants
It’s not unusual for celebrities to hire on personal friends to be their assistants. That way they have a built-in person to hang out with. Jessica Simpson did it on Newlyweds when she hired longtime friend CaCee Cobb to be her assistant, even though CaCee drove Nick (and everyone watching at home) insane.
Looks like Britney Spears has followed suit. After she dumped longtime assistant (and Britney and Kevin: Chaotic “costar”) Felicia Culotta, she’s hired her more age appropriate cousin Alli.
Hi, Alli? Nice to meet you. First, we want to thank you for visiting Brit in rehab. That was really nice. But if we could suggest one thing? Pick the girl out some better clothes. After a close examination of your outfit in this photo, maybe you should just hire a stylist. For both of you. It’ll be fun. Get a personal shopper!
And if we could suggest two things? Email us. Please.
Confession time: I am one of the twenty-seven people who actually watched Britney and K.Fed’s reality show. It was horrific and I couldn’t make it past the first episode, but I did get enough time to feel sorry for Britney’s assistant, Felicia, aka Fee. The story on Fee is that she was a friend of Britney’s mom who ended up being little Brit-Brit’s mother figure. She endured a lot of nonsense, like Britney coming up with inane rhymes such as “Felicia Ann Culotta/she likes to fuck a lotta!”
Um. Right. So, that said, Fee has called out her former employer for the latter’s outrageous activity. This is the woman who had to spend months of her life on tour with Britney and K.Fed before they got married, OK? I’m amazed she’s even this coherent. Check out the open letter from Fee to Britney here.
