Archive for the 'Cabana Dan' Category

cabana dan to the rescue: assistant mictoria

Published on June 9, 2008 in Cabana Dan. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Loves, I know it’s been a while. Lilit has been holding down the fort quite nicely though, which leaves me room to romp around in my knickers witha tough assistant case lately – that of Mictoria, a lovely young girl with a bright future, but who I suspect is battlin Ashley. But that is, as they say, beside the point. I’m back with you today because I’ve been hearing a lot about  a deep, deep case of Stockholm syndrome.

Now, Mictoria – I’m speaking to you directly, hoping to shake you out of this nonsense – I’ve heard that you survived the BTD and have moved on to lovelier places, and that’s just brilliant. However, despite your former boss’s reputation with this site, you seem to be under the delusion that the woman deserves your praise. Now, this may well be the case and if so, big congratulations to her for the about-face.

However, I do play James Bond in my spare time, so I’m accustomed to dealing with tricky minxes and I want to be sure that you are not under some sort of spell or narcotics, so please, if you would, answer these simple questions.

True or False:

  • You received an annual salary increase of 10% per year.
  • You were promoted.

If you answered “true” to these, then huzzah! You are free and clear of all Stockholmish syndromes. If you answered “false”, then please answer one more question and then we’re all done.

  • Your boss consistently blamed other people for why there wasn’t more opportunity for you.

If you’ve answered “true” to this question, then, my dear, you should not be singing your former boss’s praises and should instead be thinking about what you want and how to get it, without your old boss’s help. Because, really, it’s sort of like asking a crack dealer to recommend you to a good cocaine dealer. And that’s just messy and will probably eventually involve the law.

So, in closing, Mictoria – I hope we’ve got this sorted now and can all get back to our regularly scheduled romping around in mankinis. See below for example.

XOXO, CD

for st. paddy’s day: what mythical creature is your boss?

Published on March 17, 2008 in Cabana Dan and Holidays. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Even though mythical creatures don’t really have anything to do with St. Patrick’s Day, all this talk of leprechauns sparked an idea. Our Bossary seems to be pretty popular, so we thought we’d change it up a bit today. We all know you poor assistants out there are the fairy princesses trapped in black towers of death, so the question is, which monster is holding you captive?

Banshee: Let’s face it: most bosses have a bit o’ the banshee in them. Their wailing makes your blood run cold, not only because it sounds so god-awful, but because you know it heralds doom. Usually your doom.

Evil Troll: This fellow lives in a corner office rather than under a bridge, but he will still probably eat a baby if given the opportunity. In addition to his hefty toll of babies and souls, the evil troll will demand service that seems likely to last for an eternity. You’ll find yourself in a long, drawn-out, carrot-dangling journey through the seven levels of hell as you search for that one piece of golden thread that might set you free. If you find it, the evil troll will just say it’s his and then demand more babies.

Cerberus: Cerberus wasn’t so bad on his own. But he’s the guardian of the gates of hell. Many middle managers aren’t bad people until they’re given a tiny bit of access to power, and suddenly they turn into three-headed demons who think that their closeness to power makes them more badass than they are.

Cyclops: Big, dumb and lacking perspective, the cyclops destroys everything you’ve worked for with one clumsy gesture. You’re smarter than the cyclops, but he’s meaner. But there is hope: while brute strength counts for a lot, you’re younger and more agile. And you have two eyes. Use them to your advantage.

Harpy: Relentless and mean, the harpy swoops in when you least expect it and hounds you until you do whatever it is that she wants. In the typically gender-biased realm of mythical creature sociology, harpies are female. But after running this site for so long, we can assure you that relentless badgering is done equally by male and female bosses.

Succubus/Incubus: The most dreaded boss of all – they seduce you just to suck the soul out of you. Often found prowling the cubicles for fresh meat, these creatures will ravage you when you least expect it.

(Don’t worry – Cabana Dan will be your knight in shining mankini. And he’ll ride in on a unicorn.)

happy valentine’s day from cabana dan

Published on February 14, 2008 in Cabana Dan and Holidays. 0 Comments

week in review: memorial day comes just in time

Published on May 25, 2007 in Cabana Dan and Week in Review. 0 Comments

This week in bad boss behavior, we have a guy who wants pleats where none exist in nature and a guy who thinks his sneezes are worthy of acclaim. And our moms wonder why our therapy bills are so high. We also witnessed some bad assistant behavior, which we’re using as an opportunity to remind you not to talk shit over email.

If these crappy workplaces have inspired you to look for a new job, may we offer the following advice? McDonalds–maybe. Merrill Lynch–no way.

cabana!

Cabana Dan would like to wish all of you a happy, restful, and evil-boss-less Memorial Day weekend. See you guys on Tuesday.

happy administrative professionals’ day!

Published on April 24, 2007 in Cabana Dan, Holidays and Survival Guide. 0 Comments

Tomorrow is Administrative Professionals’ Day. In fact, some places even celebrate Administrative Professionals’ Week (because who doesn’t want their boss to almost call it “Secretaries’ Day” for a whole week?).

In honor of the holiday, our very own Lilit Marcus writes a piece for Mediabistro.com about what your boss can learn from you. Feel free to print it out and leave it on the boss’ desk. We won’t tell on you. In fact, if you tell him that sometimes the printer develops a mind of its own and spontaneously prints things, he’ll probably believe you.

Update: Gawker deemed this story worthy worthy of an entire article.

the ladies are taking a moment

Published on April 11, 2007 in Cabana Dan. 0 Comments

‘Allo, all you gorgeous creatures cowering in cubicles. Cabana Dan here. The ladies have asked me to relay their apologies for not posting fancy new content in the past couple days. They’ve been a bit tuckered out with all the hard pAArtying that Lilit does and all the traipsing-around-in-leggings that Ashley does. They’ll be back in full assistant-saving glory soon enough.

In the meantime, though, might I suggest you take in a film? There’s a new one coming out and from what I reckon, the entire plotline revolves around the murder of an assistant.* It’s called ‘Perfect Stranger’ and stars former Bond girl Halle Berry and that wanker Bruce Willis. Incidentally, the poor murdered assistant is killed via poison in the eyes, so if your awful boss offers you eyedrops, just say no.

Of course, if the film doesn’t interest you, you can just stare at my pecs. Cheers!

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*This is actually why Ashley and Lilit have been AWOL. Their greatest fear is being brought into the mainstream via Hollywood. (“Why not just remake ‘9 to 5′? We could get behind that! – Ashley)

happy valentine’s day, slaaaaave

Published on February 14, 2007 in Cabana Dan and Junk Drawer. 0 Comments

Dear Evil Bosses,

We would like to suggest a few things that you can do on this bloody holiday to show your love and gratitude for that person who answers your phone and fetches your coffee.

1. Answer your own phone and/or fetch your own beverages, maybe even just for an hour.
2. Paste pictures of Cabana Dan in his mankini all over their cubicle.
3. Let them know you care. With chocolate. Or money.
4. Make a point to learn not only your assistant’s name, but how to pronounce it properly. Learning is fun!
5. If you catch them looking at a website with a name like “Mave the Fassistants,” do not get angry at them or ban the site from their computer. Instead, look within, and examine what habits or traits of yours might prompt your assistant to look at such a website.

These are, of course, just some basic things that we hope evil bosses would consider on this day of love. Any other requests?

Kisses,
Ashley & Lilit

please give a warm welcome to cabana dan

Published on February 7, 2007 in Cabana Dan. 0 Comments

Today is one of those days when we here at STA headquarters get a little misty-eyed. This is our 100th post, and since Save the Assistants was born we’ve been so happy to meet other beleaguered folks who need a place to hide out during the day. We like to be helpful here, and what would be more helpful to a beaten-down assistant than some good, sound advice from a handsome gent? Especially when he brings you mai tais and offers to rub sunscreen on your back while you’re vacationing in Bermuda…

Ahem, as we were saying. Please give a warm hand for our new advice columnist, Cabana Boy Daniel Craig.

Welcome!

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Remember: who needs an assistant when you have a cabana boy? In that world (that magical, sun-kissed world), everything is better. There are no copy machines. The only person who fetches coffee is the person who wants it. And did we mention Daniel Craig in a skimpy bathing suit?

Here’s to 100- nay, even 1,000- more posts. Have a drink at work. On us.