Monthly Archive for December, 2007

anal-retentive company prints 8,000-word dress code

Published on December 31, 2007 in Horror Stories. 0 Comments

Ah, the beginning of a new year. Time to join the gym, buy Nicorette, and make a list of all the positive things you want to do in the next 365 days (wait, isn’t 2008 a leap year? Then we mean 366 days.)

However, your company probably doesn’t celebrate the New Year the way you’d like them to. Instead of giving bonuses, they’re firing people or taking away privileges so they can save money. And instead of doing something to boost morale, one hospital in England sent their employees an 8,000 word memo explaining how to dress and groom themselves properly. Some of the topics covered in the memo include:

  • Wearing matching shoelaces
  • Only dyeing your hair a “natural color”
  • Choose “low noise” heels for shoes (whatever that means)
  • You’re allowed to wear a head scarf, but it must be “unadorned”
  • Always wear socks

Luckily, it seems someone at the hospital has some sense. One staffer sent an email response to management saying that the code was ridiculous and a total waste of money written by “underworked Trinny and Susannahs.” [Note: Trinny and Susannah are hosts of the UK edition of What Not to Wear.]

buzzword: the anti-bonus

Published on December 31, 2007 in Buzzwords and Horror Stories. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

Turns out those poor Reader’s Digest employees weren’t the only ones who got shitty bonuses this year. Here’s another horror story from STA reader Anna, which pretty accurately defines the term “anti-bonus,” also known as “negative bonus”:

No offense to the Readers’ Digest employees, but I’m sick of hearing about everyone’s pitiful holiday bonuses. I work for the third-largest newspaper chain in the states and not only did we not receive a bonus this year, we had things taken away from us. Without explanation, we did not receive our measly $12 grocery store gift card to go out and buy a turkey or ham (which I usually spent on shampoo and lean cuisines, natch), they took away our free newspaper subscriptions, formerly lauded as one of our “employee benefits.”

To keep its subscription numbers up, the paper I work for used to provide a free 7-day a week subscription to all employees, but beginning Jan. 1 if we want to get the paper we have to pay at the 50% off rate. All to save a whopping $90,000 from the bottom line, absolutely killing employee morale in the process. Happy New Year, I’ll be looking for a new job!

reader’s digest employees get worst bonus ever

Published on December 31, 2007 in Horror Stories. 0 Comments

This story sucks so much there’s no way to even tell it in a funny way, so here goes: employees at Reader’s Digest each got a bonus in the amount of five dollars. Yes, you read that correctly. Five fucking dollars. Oh, and it came with the request to use the money “to help others.” God, we couldn’t even make this shit up if we tried.

Oh, and in the “add insult to injury” department, their Christmas party was employees only–no spouses or significant others. I guarantee if you polled the employees and asked if they’d rather have a chichi party with shrimp cocktail or a fucking bonus, they’d choose the latter. Especially if they knew they’d be eating the shrimp cocktail alone.

tip of the week: don’t steal

Published on December 28, 2007 in Tip of the Week. 0 Comments

…and if you do, don’t get caught.

In other words, don’t follow the example of Grant Ross of Coventry, England, who not only was stupid enough to steal merchandise from his place of employment but was stupid enough to sell it all on eBay. Sure, we’ve all swiped an extra printer cartridge or some pens from work, but this guy was stealing electronics still bearing the serial number tracing it to the company warehouse. [Bonus tip of the week: if you are dumb enough to steal stuff from work and sell it on eBay, don't choose "Hoodie 1230."]

To learn from Grant Ross’ story, click here.

analyzing the job posting

Published on December 28, 2007 in Blind Items and Celebrity Assistant Soapbox. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

How do you break into the exciting world of being a celebrity assistant? Well, reading the classifieds is a good start.

This ad is absolutely priceless. The opening sentence is “A busy, high profile, very down to earth Celebrity Musician/Actor in the Entertainment Industry seeks Personal Assistant.” Down to earth, you say? Well, then, why might the next sentence be “This position requires someone who is discreet and mature that has a full understanding of what it takes to be a Personal Assistant to a very busy Celebrity.” [Dear person who wrote this ad, "Celebrity" is not actually a job title and therefore does not need to be capitalized.]

The ad is massive and has a week’s worth of bullet points under “qualifications.” Here are some of the highlights.

• Handles re-routed personal phone calls for ARTIST as directed.
• Stores all contact numbers immediately upon receiving them in Blackberry/Treo and cell phone (items provided) ALWAYS.
• Handle light administrative tasks including faxing, sending and receiving packages, downloading music, going over e-mails with the Artist and printing out documents for signature as directed by Management.
• Updates calendar daily/weekly with new schedule and frequent changes.
• Able to handle Artist travel arrangements (air, hotel and ground) via in-house Travel Agent and outside Vendors as necessary.
• Must travel with laptop and portable printer (items provided) at all times.
• Handles daily personal needs for Artist including all meals, personal shopping, packing for travel, etc.
• Must make sure that both LA and New York Households are maintained and well prepared to receive Artist at all times. Housekeeper is provided.
• Run all errands as requested.
• Make sure Artist has meals readily available at all times.
• Prepare Artist for pre and post performances including; pre-performance rituals (packing after show wardrobe), dressing room preparations (candles, incense and tea), and standing side-stage during entire performance each night with Artist needs (towels, water, tea). Help Artist to change performance wardrobe as necessary.
• Carry all show necessities in “show bag,” i.e., towels, change of clothes, toiletries.
• Comfortable with coordinating wardrobe “looks” for daily wear, routine performances and travel. Will assist STYLIST for media appearances, interviews, award shows, etc.

Downloading music is a ‘light administrative task’? And why are Travel Agent, Artist, and Vendor capitalized but STYLIST in all caps?

This ad is hilarious…and pretty standard. Anyone who thinks being a celebrity assistant is a glamorous job should be forced to read over the entire thing a couple of times so that they know what kind of crap they’re getting themselves into. You can enjoy the whole wretched fiasco here.

Oh, and anyone want to take a stab at who the lucky assistant-seeker might be?

assistant talks about lurid palm beach murder

Published on December 28, 2007 in Assistants in the News. 0 Comments Tags: , .

This is a hell of a story: wealthy Palm Beach financier Seth Tobias recently drowned under mysterious circumstances. In a made-for-CSI story, Tobias had a very interesting personal life. His wife was an ex-porn-star named Filomena and his boyfriend a stripper nicknamed “Tiger.” Bill Ash, who was Seth and Filomena’s assistant, thinks Filomena killed her husband–even though the death has not yet been ruled a homicide. Ash “contends that someone recently tried to nuke incriminating e-mails with a computer virus, “but I have them backed up.”)  He also claims cops were present when he received a $2,250 bottle of Krug Champagne from Filomena with the note: “The scumbag is finally dead.”"

Considering the Linda Stein/Natavia Lowery story still unfolding, we’re just glad to hear that the assistant isn’t a suspect. Yet.

britney’s ex-assistant finds greener pastures

Published on December 27, 2007 in Celebrity Assistant Soapbox. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

Felicia “Fee” Culotta, whose stint as Britney Spears’ personal assistant was memorialized in the Craptastic Reality TV canon on Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, has moved onto greener (and less crazy) pastures. She has landed a new gig assisting teen idols The Jonas Brothers.

Felicia, a friend of Lynne Spears, spent nine years working for the Britster. Stee, who wrote brilliant recaps of Chaotic for Television Without Pity, had a running joke where he ran screaming every time Felicia came on the screen. It’s true that she’s not exactly a supermodel, but at least she had the good sense to quit working for Britney as the pop star got crazier. Let’s hope the Jonases–one of whom is apparently dating wholesome teen star Miley “Hannah Montana” Cyrus–are easier to deal with. However, if in a couple of years the Jonases are wacked-out, shaving their heads, and attacking cars with umbrellas, expect Fee to once again run for cover.

how hitting ‘reply all’ hurts the economy

Published on December 27, 2007 in Junk Drawer. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

While we prefer the term emaelstrom, business reporters have been talking about the concept of “information overload.” The biggest culprit of this email overload? People who hit “reply all.” That’s right…people who think everyone cares about their stupid work issues are actually undermining the economy. Tech firm Basex Inc. has pinpointed information overload as the biggest problem facing workers today. They argue that every time someone sends you a useless email, you get distracted and pull yourself away from something relevant in order to read whatever’s in your inbox.

So this year, teach your boss to hit the “reply” button. Everyone will be happier you did.

assistants sue ’superman returns’ director

Published on December 26, 2007 in Celebrity Assistant Soapbox and Horror Stories. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

We’d never heard of Jon Peters before today, but we’ve already decided we don’t like him. Several lawsuits piling up against him seem to indicate that he is definitely not someone we’d ever want to assist. From TMZ:

According to documents, Adriana Silveira says she was hired in December of 2005 to work at Peters’ Malibu home and office. She says she discovered she was pregnant in June of 2006 and was immediately put on one week of bed rest by her doctor because of the precarious nature of her pregnancy. She says she asked Peters for the time off, but got canned instead. She then claims two weeks after she was let go, Peters told her husband Andrew, who was also working for the producer, that his wife should have an abortion if he “wanted to keep his job.” When she and her husband refused to terminate the pregnancy, Silveira says Peters then fired her husband by e-mail.

In the other suit, Blanca Hernandez says Peters hired her in July of 2005 and “systematically sexually harassed [Hernandez] on nearly a daily basis.”

She claims Peters touched her on the “breasts and buttocks and waist”, tried to push her into bed while he was naked, called her breasts “pillows” and asked “her to have sex in exchange for money.” Hernandez says when she complained in July of 2006, she was axed. She says she was told if she reported Peters to authorities said “her and her daughter would be murdered.”

elle treats interns like crap

Published on December 26, 2007 in Interns. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

Interns at Teen Vogue get their own TV show. Interns at Elle? According to this Gawker post… instead of kisses, they get kicks. Here’s an excerpt from a letter Elle interns got chastizing their behavior (to be fair, some of this is probably warranted, albeit badly delivered):

Hi Guys,

There are a few really important things that I’d like to go over with all of you.

1. DON’T BE LATE
Interning at ELLE is an opportunity that a lot of people would kill for, and while it isn’t paid, it is a chance for you to learn a lot about magazines and your role is actually crucial to the work that we do. When you interview and accept this job, part of that includes coming in 3 days a week and being ON TIME at 9am. This past week many of you have been very late and that has put us in a terrible situation. We are shooting almost every single day until Christmas and we have important things that need to be done right away in the morning.
2. DON’T LEAVE EARLY
I came back from my shoot today in the afternoon and there were no interns to check in anything and we had a TON of things that came in for 2 different run-thru. I know this seems like a tedious task but it is probably the MOST important thing in the accessories dept. If you have a job, or school, Alexis needs to know well in advance your schedule. If you had previously committed to a certain schedule for the semester, please try not to change it in the middle.

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