save the assistants

Thanks to reader A.L., who sent us her amusing take on job interviews and how to b.s. your way through them. 

Going on a job interview is like going on the worst first date ever.  You have to be able to answer questions without actually revealing anything bad about yourself, while insuring your doubletalk sounds sincere.  (Do you think this is why all my relationships fail?) In the mad post-college scramble for a first job, most bright eyed grads learn the hard way what it means to be caught off guard by a tough question, but by your jaded mid-twenties you learn the evasive techniques required to tangle with the toughest of foes.  That is why I’d like to share with you, dear readers, an imagined interview between a human resources representative and a conglomeration of my friends and loved ones. 

Question: What is your greatest weakness?

Answer: I don’t ask for help when I should.  I take on a lot, and always finish what I start, but not with out all-nighters and anxiety.

Truth:  I don’t work well with others.  I drink a lot on Thursday night, so I’m pretty much useless on Fridays.  I get overwhelmed easily, which leads to inappropriate emotional displays in the workplace.  Oh, and I used to wet my bed, which left me scarred and unable to make eye contact when I have to relieve myself.

Question: Why did you leave your last job?

Answer:  I loved my coworkers; we were like family.  But you can’t stay in a situation that doesn’t challenge you to the fullest.  I think your organization will be a better fit—one  that will allow me to live up to my full potential, and I look forward to forging new friendships.

Truth:  I slept with everyone at my last workplace and it got really uncomfortable near the end.  My boss was an ass whom I mocked mercilessly when out of earshot.  The most stimulating part of my day was on-line shopping.

Question: What do you do in your spare time?

Answer: I read to the blind once a week, train for triathalons, and spend a lot of time with my family.

Truth:  I read to the blind once and quit.  It made my throat too dry to speak out loud for that long.  I work out, but only enough not to get fat.  I watch a lot of TV, drink with my friends, and spend hours on the big three websites: Facebook, MySpace, and Friendster. 

Question:  Why are you interested in this position?

Answer:  I’ve always wanted to be in______, but I needed to try other professions to make sure I was fully committed to_______.    I have a strong interest in _______, which will serve me well in this position and the skills I’ve developed in my past positions will be invaluable when taking on this new challenge. Truth:  I’m not really.  I’m making more money now collecting unemployment than I did at my last job, but my parents threatened to stop paying my rent if I didn’t find a job.  This seemed like the least offensive of all my possibilities. 

Okay, this actually doesn’t sound like anyone I know.  It sounds like the worst employee ever, but you get my point.  We all hide ourselves in some way throughout the day, but completely shield ourselves on interviews.  I’m starting to think that the point of them is to see how adeptly one can dodge and weave, how good one is at judging what needs to be said and what needs sidestepping, which (after all) are all important qualities in forging a promising career.