Meet Josie Jobless. She’s a friend of STA and a formerly beleaguered assistant. She learned a lot of lessons from her nightmare experience, and she’s here to impart some of her wisdom on you:
Everyone can tell an abused assistant from a mile away–the nervous laughter, the slight tremor in the voice, and the darting eyes that scream “I am looking for the emergency exit.” It seems like the very next thing no matter how small will push this person over the edge. Usually when approached with a request from such an assistant, one has a clear sense that if you don’t help out the poor soul and do just as he/she says, the assistant will be in immediate physical harm, either self-inflicted hari-kari style or delivered mercilessly from a boss/executioner. While most of this suffering is genuine, the results are remarkable. No one messes with this assistant. Everyone just complies with the harried soul’s demands because it’s easier to do as requested than it is to handle this assistant’s impending monster breakdown.
While I no longer suffer like I used to, I won’t forget this lesson from my last job. So now when I really need someone else to do something for me, I just tense all the muscles in my body, soften my voice to a petrified whisper, and speak my request very very slowly. Works like a charm.
Try it out, but beware: one can only pull off this act a few times without actually having to produce a nervous breakdown.
Jesus, but are you ever full of useful advice. At least you acknowledge the fact that you can’t use this deception indefinitely, albeit in a completely ass kind of way. The real reason that you can’t get away with this forever is because your boss and coworkers will think that you are either A) a pathic child with the emotional maturity of a 6 year old, or B) a complete nut job. Hopefully they will only think A in which case they will take pity on you and give you a nice severance and maybe if you are really lucky a decent recommendation in the future (though I doubt it). If on the other hand, they conclude B), oh boy. They will fire your ass in an attempt to move you out before you flip and try and screw the company. Severance and a reccomendation you ask? Not likely. And seriously, what is it with you and pretending real problems? You are a bottom feeder of the worst kind. With asshats like you around, these problems that people actually have will never be taken seriously. You should read the horror stories on this site. You are called a friend of STA, but lets be real. You are doing a disservice to every person who has written a horror story for this site. Managers will continue to treat their assistants like shit, because they will rationalize that their assistants are just faking it like you. Grow up.
Dear Anon,
I am guessing your inability to get a joke has really helped you in the corporate world. While humor isn’t you’re strong suit, I would have hoped that a tight-ass like you would at least be a close reader. Sure, managers would never tolerate a beleagured assitant like I described.
This trick is never meant for to be used on one’s boss. It’s meant for fellow assistants, assholes on the phone, the guy at the corner store. Never do this with someone who sees you on a daily basis,it’s a bit like crying wolf and loses its power quickly. I say all this as clarification for my other readers, in case, anyone reads this dip shit’s comments and gets the wrong idea.
My eternal best,
Josie Jobless
Josie,
Fair enough. One thing I will say, sarcasm rarely translates well in writing. Had I been in the same room with you listening to you talk I am sure I would have gotten the joke and laughed along politely. However, when you post this on a site under the title “tip of the week,” expect at least one literal asshole (i.e. myself in this case) to take you seriously. Also, lines like “Try it out, but beware: one can only pull off this act a few times without actually having to produce a nervous breakdown.” really make it seem like you are giving legitimate advice (see above about sarcasm and its use in a written medium). Anyway, I apologize for the harsh language from my previous post as I thought you were serious. Glad you aren’t, and sorry again. I should also say I commented harshly on your other post about sleeping with coworkers. Understand before you read that I thought you were serious. You know, sarcasm and… well you get the point.
Cheers