a blog for the beleaguered
Today’s recommended office toy/workplace distraction is the Management Statement Generator. It combines two things we love: mocking people who go overboard on businesspeak and the movie Office Space. Let us know if any of your boss’ favorite catchphrases make their list.
[Also, their Nigerian Scam Letter Generator is pretty genius, even if it has nothing to do with your job.]
You know the jobs that you keep reading about in the Horror Stories section here? I had one of those jobs. I had it for a whole year. When I finally quit, it was like the world had turned back on for me. Birds chirped, my friends and family rejoiced – I think I even saw a rainbow. Sigh. It was wonderful.
And then something even more spectacular happened: I got an amazing job. And let me tell you, ladies and gents, it has made all the difference in the world for me. Why? Because it’s a place that values me as much as I value myself. I actually negotiated my salary. And they gave me a signing bonus. And a 401K plan. And don’t even get me started on how rad the annual bonus is.
So I’m here to tell you that you may have to endure the less-savory aspects of working life, but perhaps even more valuable than the work experience you get is the job karma you collect. I guess I collected a whole mess of it, because my new job is like Shangri-la. Good jobs are out there, people – there’s hope! – Submitted by Randi, San Francisco
Most stars, when they get busted for their bad behavior, go to rehab. What about Naomi Campbell, possibly the worst celeb boss ever? She’s rehabilitating her image by getting a reality show where she looks for a new assistant.
A few thoughts:
1. According to this article, her last six assistants have quit.
2. Is she just doing this because Tyra Banks has a show? We all know Naomi loves a good rivalry.
3. Is the contestant pool for this show going to overlap with the one for Flavor of Love? Because Bootz vs. Naomi would be classic television.
4. If you plan to audition for this show, please call us.
5. Seriously.
6. And bring your camera phone.
Tip of the week: Do not work for Naomi Campbell. Repeat, do not work for Naomi Campbell. We’re serious, y’all. This is the woman who threw a cell phone at her assistant’s head. The pattern should tell you something! It is not worth the small brush with fame.
Fine. Apply. But don’t say we didn’t warn you.
And bring your camera phone.
Like any good Southern girl, I loved Designing Women, and I especially loved Dixie Carter as Julia Sugarbaker. Carter recently wrapped up a six-episode stint on Desperate Housewives. Turns out she has an unusual connection to the show- its creator, Marc Cherry, was once her assistant. In this week’s OK! magazine, Carter has this to say about her former employee:
This young kid who wanted to get into writing had come to town back in 1989 and worked for me. All of a sudden, he had this writing job on Golden Girls. He’s so talented.
Looks like Dixie has the right idea: be kind to your assistant, and someday your assistant will be kind to you. Call it the Law of Assistant Karma. Whatever it is, we hope more celebrities follow her example.
Face it. At some point in your corporate life you’re going to have to read books that you’d normally scoff at. I had a boss who made me (and everyone else in our office) read Who Moved My Cheese? We all see people reading about the Various Principles of Success for Highly Corporatized Suckers on the subway. We mock these books, we even mock those who read them. But, frankly, sometimes you have to drink the Kool-Aid. This could be one of those times.
The book is The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t, and author Robert Sutton isn’t just some shmo with an opinion – he’s a professor of management science and engineering at Stanford (insert collective “ooooh” here). “I am disgusted with the norm in business and sports that if you are a really big winner, you can get away with being a creep,” he declares. Right on! We could give him a couple names of people to add to his naughty list, but instead we’ll point you in his direction – you can name the names.
For more info on el libro, read the article at the SF Chronicle:
Crusade Against the Jerk at Work
To acquire el libro directly and risk the mocking stares of fellow subway passengers, go to The No Asshole Rule at Amazon.
Conveniently, the book was made thin enough to slip under your boss’s office door. Anonymously and at night, of course.
Ah, Mondays. Time to trudge back into the office after a nice weekend of doing… well, whatever you want. A surefire way to make you depressed and count the seconds til Friday afternoon.
Fear not, assistants. For those of you in the NYC area, mark next Monday’s date- March 5- on your calendars. Save the Assistants and PresenTense magazine are cosponsoring MOTHERFUCKING MONDAY, a happy hour for assistants and the people who love them.
Details:
Mo Pitkins’ House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A (between 2nd and 3rd Streets), 1st floor
7-9 PM
Closest train is the F/V at Second Avenue. Hope to see you guys there for drink specials, venting, and non-douchey networking.
Last night’s Oscar ceremony was full of things like interpretive dance, people who you totally knew were going to win because they’ve won every single other acting-type award given out this year, and Reese Witherspoon in a lovely ”suck on that, Phillippe!” dress. However, we have to single out one particular winner: Michael Arndt, who won the Best Original Screenplay award for Little Miss Sunshine is a former celebrity assistant! Turns out that when he was trying to get started in Hollywood, Arndt worked for Ferris “Matthew Broderick” Bueller himself. Nice to see an assistant go on to greatness.
Congrats to Mr. Arndt from us here at STA, including Smoldering Lawyer Clive and Cabana Dan, who graciously attended the ceremony in our absence.
Read more Oscar night coverage on Defamer.
We provided much useful content this week. You’re welcome.
- Anna Nicole’s former assistant crawls out from under the rock where Howard K. Stern stashed her. Or did she?
- Tip of the Week: Kenny Rogers was right.
- Yahoo offers tips for IM safety. However, your boss would like you to think that abstinence is the best policy.
- We found you some toys to play with.
Thanks to Church Sign Generator for being another great workplace distraction.
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